That night as he was falling asleep he whispered that he was sorry he was still so sad. And my heart broke just a little bit. Because I know that there is no timeline for this. No end date to when the feeling of missing won't overwhelm him. And I don't want him feeling like I think there should be.
But I can be thankful that, for a short time last weekend, he was happy. That is more than he had last year, and so I know it gets better. And so I'll try to do the same this weekend. Fill it with friends and badly sung carols at my office holiday party tonight and then enough space for him to just be what he needs to be. And the rest will be here for him when he's ready*.
"They stood beside the helmsman at the wheel, the look-out in the bow, the officers who had the watch; dark, ghostly figures in their several stations; but every man among them hummed a Christmas tune, or had a Christmas thought, or spoke below his breath to his companion of some bygone Christmas Day, with homeward hopes belonging to it. And every man on board, waking or sleeping, good or bad, had had a kinder word for another on that day than on any day in the year; and had shared to some extent in its festivities; and had remembered those he cared for at a distance, and had known that they delighted to remember him."-Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol