So about those leaps. They're scary. And they feel huge. Even when they're not. Even when they are just small things to the rest of the world, if it's your leap, it feels monstrous. I took one. And I didn't land so softly. But it wasn't a disaster. No broken bones, but maybe a little bruised?
I auditioned for a band. The next day they called me back for a followup. There were two of those follow-ups over two weeks, each time just one on one with the guitarist. Then there was the final followup with the full band. And then a few days of silence. Afterward, a tentative acceptance email. "We like you, we like your voice, but... " It was decided we'd give it a shot. A probationary measure so no one would be investing too much in the other. That probation ends today.
The thing is, I'm not a blues singer. I love the blues, at 12 I even named my hamster Albert in honor of Albert King who died on the day I got him. But I'm not a blues singer. I like melodies, I miss singing them. I'm not tough enough, gritty enough for these. Maybe I should have taken up a whiskey and cigarette habit because my years of choir-trained vibrato give me away every time. So earlier this week, when I could tell the band wasn't as happy as they should be about how things were progressing, when I could tell I wasn't as happy as I should be about being a part of it, I wrote and said that I thought they should find another singer. Even though I know there's really no such thing as a mutual breakup, I think we came close this week. I wasn't happy. They weren't happy. Let's end this now before we stop liking each other.
I'm proud though. I tried. I leapt. I didn't land as softly as I would have liked, but I landed. And now I know I can do this. Just not in the way they wanted. But now I know I can do it on my own. In the way I want. Not a bad ending for a first time leap.
I think you're being way too hard on yourself. (Though I think that's a requirement for most of us overachievers so you're forgiven.) You faced your fears and went, they obviously LIKED YOU ENOUGH TO SERIOUSLY CONSIDER YOU so you obviously had most of what they wanted, but in the end it wasn't a good fit for either of you. You rocked it and then made a good decision that kept you from doing something that would eventually wear you down. I would file that under success.
ReplyDeleteBruised might be what you'd be if they'd thrown rotten tomatoes at you or something.