Wednesday, September 21, 2011

on the loss of what never was

I am mourning a loss that never happened.  A loss of something that was never created and so how could I possibly feel sad.  But I am.

I am a planner.  I stopped taking that small pink pill in April and had planned on July.  If it happened in July, we'd have a baby by next April.  And if it happened in July I'd be feeling pregnant by now.  I am well aware that these things don't always happen right away.  Or on a schedule.  Or when planned.  Or at all.  But I planned anyway.  

In July my foot was worse than it was in June and doctors told me to start taking the tiny pink pill again, that it wasn't safe to risk getting pregnant if I had to have surgery, or just being injured in general.  And so nothing happened in July and I am still the same. 

I can't explain this to most people and so announcing it to you (whoever is out there) seems strangely comforting.  I wanted this.  It is not happening now.  I know it will, later, future, sometime, but I was ready now.  Maybe I am being taught something about not being so wound up by dates, by this imaginary timeline, by planning.  Perhaps there is a lesson here that I am just not ready to learn.

my twin nephews before their birthday party


  1. Thank you for letting us listen. It will happen; take heart and know that I am wishing the best for you and your baby family.

  2. Thanks Andee, a part of me didn't want to hit post because this feeling is so irrational, but I felt like sharing. Thanks for being out there to hear it.

  3. This will be me. Not yet, but I know it will be soon enough. I am a planner too, and I know as soon as I don't refill that prescription my mind will start forming dangerous plans, plans that will most likely lead to a lot of sadness.

    I hope the time comes sooner than later for you.

  4. Thanks (does this mean you're back from Barcelona?), Mike's trying to get me to see the big picture of getting healthy and not injured (my foot is out of the boot but still not healed) before we move forward, but I was foolishly so set on this summer. I hate admitting that I don't do well with setbacks. At least this is a setback one of our own doing, I should be grateful for that.